the Centrist

Davenport Richard Wins the best, with his second entry: why did the chicken cross the road?

Here’s Richard’s first:

Mother’s Wisdom:

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e- mail j ust to be sure. So he sat
down and wrote:
______________________________

Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from

the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle.

But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you

were here for dinner.

After about a week mom wrote back:

I’m not saying that you are sleeping with Jennifrer, and I’m not saying you are not, but if she was sleeping in her bed she would have found the gravy ladel that I put there when I visited you.

my buddy bud on ‘getting your affairs in order’

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve some bad news.
You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in
order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose
herself and walk into the waiting room where her
daughter had been waiting. ‘Well daughter, we women
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don’t go so well. In this case, things
aren’t well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club
and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more
martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what
the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end. ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The
friends were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned
over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you
were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends
you were dying of AIDS.’

The woman said, ‘I don’t want any of those witches
sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

That’s ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Richard sent another, and my favortie of the week:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% ……… reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY :
Where’s my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Jamestown Patti, says we just gotta listen to these kids:

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt.’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?

Some Wisdom from Dr Tim:

I’ll be happy when…

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire.
The truth is there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way.
my So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with….. And remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don’t need money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching.

A special leap year Happy Birthday to Pastor Steve

A prayer request: My prayer Partner Ron’s father passed away early Thursday morning, pray for strength and wisdom for the family.

Be Blessed, and Be a Blessing.

Dr B