the Centrist

Jamestown Patti’s Explanation of Life:

On the first day, God created the dog and said: ‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’ The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’ So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: ‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’ The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’ And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: ‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer ‘s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’ And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said: ‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years. But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’ So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Marilyn: More ‘Blond Jokes’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes
into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt
wherever she touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the
doctor. ‘Show me.’ The redhead took her finger, pushed
on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her
elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor
said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you? ‘Well,
no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’ ‘I thought so,’
the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’

BLOND ON THE SUN. A Russian, an American, and a
Blond were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We
were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were
the first on the moon!’ The Blond said, ‘So what?
We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian
and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll
burn up!’ said the Russian. To which the Blond
replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at
night!’

IN A VACUUM A Blond was playing Trivial Pursuit one
night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she
landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is
it on or off?’

FINALLY, A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who
had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blond responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?’ ‘HELLLOOO…….,’ answered the blond. ‘
They’re watch dogs!’

Notes From Norma: the Last 10 Stress Breakers

1. Laugh.

2. Laugh some more!

3. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

4. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

5. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).

6. Sit on your ego.

7. Talk less; listen more.

8. Slow down.

9. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

10 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you’re grateful for that you’ve never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.

‘If God is for us, who can be against us?’

(Romans 8:31)

Davenport Richard on Bob Hope:

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY ‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS ‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES ‘ I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN ‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing,

Dr B