the Centrist

Dear Friends and Family;

I normally publish this blog on Wed. nights, but we just got an update on our niece Camdyn. She has undergone surgery for a ‘hole’ in her aorta and ventricle. They accomplished a definitive repair on the aorta, and a ‘patch’ repair on the ventricle. She is presently in the recovery room (1:30 PM) and the doctors were VERY OPTIMISTIC on a complete recovery. She will be in hospital for about one month recovering from this surgery, then at about 6 months-1 year will undergo a second surgery to definitively repair the defect in the ventricle. Val, Les, Chris, and Becky, as well as Marilyn and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your prayer.

New Year’s Resolution… No More Arguments

Since this is the New Year and the beginning of the second decade of the second millennium, I thought perhaps a good resolution might be: How to Avoid Arguments…
Throughout the years I have noticed whenever I lose my temper or get into an argument it seems always to be ‘the other guys fault’. Really, why can’t they just understand my point of view, or my motivation? Well, because they have their own values, etc. and moreover, they have their own ‘hot buttons’. But even more than that, simply because the only emotions I can control are well… my own. I can only change me… I am responsible for my behavior. Recently I heard a program by Gary Smalley and he calls these hot buttons, core fears. By understanding that we all have core fears (see below), and more importantly by understanding our own core fears (we cannot change them or rid ourselves of them… only control and understand them), we are able to avoid arguments and control our temper.
As many of you know I have had the privilege of counseling several couples during my career. But I have never experienced a concept (tool) as useful as this. It is available on garysmalley.com and I highly recommend it.
Here is an explanation and test from the website of garysmalley.com (both have been paraphrased). He speaks mainly about marriages, but take the test simply to know what your core fears are and how to control them… even if your marriage is healthy.
The Core Fear Test

If you’d like a thorough explanation and study guide about your Core Relational Fears and how they impact your relationships, then check out the DNA of Relationships DVD series or book.

“Understanding Your Fear Dance
To make sure you understand the dance, let’s take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.
1. You hurt. What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.
2. You want. When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, focusing on the children or other things will make you forget your troubles, drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied: if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.
Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change. Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work. Or, If only she would just change. Or, If only my friends would change. The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.
Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations. When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear…
3. You fear. Through thousands of marriage intensives, both at our counseling centers and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears. Think about your own troubled relationships. You want to connect, but you fear you’re not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you’re not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless…
4. You react. If you are like most people, you consciously and unconsciously fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt. You’ll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear… This means that it’s not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.
Why don’t you just give up!…

As one of the Sopranos might say, “Forget about it!” Don’t hassle with an unsatisfying marriage. If you are not happy move on to a better life and a better spouse. You’ve tried everything possible. You simply married the wrong person. You are probably feeling, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.” The passion has died. The romance is long gone. Don’t waste another minute in a depressing and doomed to fail marriage. Give up!
Couples pleading for a better life. Couples desperate to turn a hurting marriage into a healing marriage. But you want to know something ridiculous? Once we try to give them new knowledge and skills we get dismissed with comments like: “Oh, we’ve tried that.” “That won’t work for us.” “It’s more complicated than that.” “You’re asking a lot.” “He will never respond.” “She will never stop.”
“It’s too late for us.” “We’ve just fallen out of love.” (which is my most hated comment of all.)

So we’ll say it once more, why don’t you just give up! Throw in the towel. Kick the bucket. Bonvoyage. Hasta la vista baby.
We want to give you permission to feel like leaving a bad marriage. Because if you refuse to admit you want out, then there is no place for you to begin healing. Sometimes we need to be honest about our current state of feelings. If we try to deny that we want out, then we will never be able to truly face the real reasons our marriage is hurting. So just go ahead and say it to yourself (do not say any of this to your spouse), “I want out.”
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let the healing begin!
Because there are 3 reasons you don’t want to abandon your marriage:

1. Research shows that if you can simply wait it out, in a non-abusive relationship, your marriage will take a turn for the better. There was a study done out of Chicago years ago that simply followed several hundred couples. It tested their marital happiness and their satisfaction with life. At least half of the marriages were stressed out and dissatisfied with their marriage and their life. Five years later they tested the same couples again and found something quite amazing. For many of the couples
whom ended up divorcing, they were still just as unhappy with their life and their relationships. For the couples majority whom stayed together, they reported being satisfied with their life. Sometimes it pays to have a little patience when it comes to marital difficulty. The relationship that is causing you the most difficulty is the one that will continue to define you long after the divorce. Your tendency to
blame, shame and criticize will become overwhelming. Self-protection will most likely over shadow self-awareness. We truly believe life is about character not comfort. A life filled with character and integrity is valued but so often not chosen.

2. Your children are a huge reason to stay together and resolve your conflict. Research is very clear that children of divorce have a harder time resisting peer pressure, succeeding in school, and succeeding in their future relationships. Studies has shown the drug and alcohol abuse, premarital sex,…. ( study available through garysmalley.com) are five times more likely to occur in teens with divorced parents. There was a time when therapists and psychiatrists felt couples should divorce despite the children because it was worse to stay together. Well that time has passed.

3. If you don’t resolve the difficulties in your current marriage, they will simply haunt you in your second marriage. This is the most depressing news of all to couples who divorce, especially if they have children together. Because what they realize, often very quickly, is that the same negative patterns that destroyed their first marriage are creeping into their second.
Why? Because divorce doesn’t solve anything. History repeats if lessons aren’t learned. Divorce only makes everything more complicated and hard. This is why divorce rates are so much higher for second marriages. The real tragedy is they eventually have to learn to get along and repair the damage. Then they find themselves smacking their heads saying, “Why didn’t we figure this out when we were married?”
As coach Jimmy Valvano, who was dying of cancer at the time he made this famous statement, would say, “Never give up!” It is not worth the pain of divorce. You can get help. There are therapists and relationship coaches who know what it takes to turn your marriage around. It will take effort. It will take time.
Why do you get upset?
What is fueling your feelings of disappointment, hurt, anger or resentment? Your spouse comes home – late again – why does this bother you? Maybe your spouse has had an affair, what truly hurts you about the affair? You see, what we’ve discovered through the years is that couples do not fight because of in-laws, finances, communication, or children. Couples fight because of something far more significant.
The reason we get upset and then get into ugly arguments with our mate is because of fear. This is not the kind of fear that prevents you from turning off the lights in a room or walking down an empty street. But relational fears like rejection, disconnection, being controlled, failure, invalidation, worthlessness, or unhappiness.
This session will finally help you realize why you get upset, and this will give you power over your most heated arguments! Once you can identify why you get upset then you can start changing the way you respond when your “buttons” get pushed (buttons like feeling devalued, unappreciated, worthless, etc.).
What you don’t know will destroy your marriage!
Your groaning leads to blaming, which leads to wandering, which leads to looking in the wrong places. The importance of this session is the power of identifying why the marriage is stressed out…
Couples are not miserable because of finances, kids, or in-laws. The reason couples become miserable is because of hot buttons…

Everyone has hot buttons like:

Disconnection, Control, Failure, Invalidation, and Rejection
There are about 25 major hot buttons and we give you a list on the following page. You will want to use this list with your couple and help them identify what their hot buttons are. You will never get rid of your hot buttons, but you can respond to them differently.
Now is the part where you will help each spouse identify his or her major hot buttons. This is not a complicated process and really involves simply learning how to ask the question, “So why does that bother you so much?” The more you ask that question the more you will encourage an individual to dig down deep to a hot button. Here is an example of what we are talking about:

Marriage coach: What is the most recent conflict you two have had?

Husband: Oh, that’s an easy one. We just got in a huge fight over how much time I work.

Marriage coach (to the wife): What bothers you about your husband’s work hours?

Wife: I don’t like how much he works, he spends more time at work than he does at home.

Marriage coach (to the wife): Okay, but what bothers you about your husband spending more time at work than at home?

Wife: The kids really miss him a lot.

Marriage coach (to the wife): What bothers you about the kids missing him so much?

Wife: It’s like they are not important enough for him to spend any time with, and me to.

Marriage coach (to the wife): Okay, it sounds like what you’re telling me is that when your husband spends more time at work then at home, that makes you feel unwanted or unimportant?

Wife: Yes, that is exactly what I feel.

At this point you have finally gotten the wife down to her hot buttons. At this point, you can go through the exercise again with the husband over the same issue of work hours (or whatever they bring up as the most recent conflict). The key, again, will be for you to ask the husband something like, “So what bothers you about your wife complaining about your work hours?” Then you will be off to the races again with the husband now trying to identify his hot buttons.
One of the useful things you can do in helping an individual identify her hot buttons is to show her the list of hot buttons on the next page. It is not unusual, especially for husbands, for someone to get stuck when trying to drill down to a hot button.
When a person gets stuck, all you need to do is point him to the list of the most common hot buttons and then ask him to read the list and pick 1-3 potential hot buttons that fit the argument.”

(Test… ask each participant to score the three most important ‘insecure’ issues from this list… they will be the most important ‘core fears’ in your life.)
Rejection
Judgment
Disconnection
Loneliness
Failure
Powerlessness
Being misunderstood
Being scorned
Being invalidated
Feeling defective
Inferiority
Worthlessness
Feeling devalued
Humiliation
Abandonment
Feeling unimportant
Feeling Ignored
Neglect
Condemnation
Feeling unwanted
Danger
Feeling disliked
Mistrust
Despair
Unhappiness
In using this list, have the individual circle about three of the hot buttons listed below that are the most THE HOT BUTTON LIST important feelings associated with the conflict.
Now that your couple has identified their major hot buttons, you will want to draw them on the following graph (they will actually have their own graphs in their participants workbook). The point of this graph is to show the couple their hot button dance. This is why their marriage is so unsatisfied, the cycle of dysfunction that keeps messing things up for their marriage… see the website for work books and definitive counseling… but one more thing, the most Unproductive Responses or “The Four Risk Factors of Divorce” from Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley… are

1. Escalate
2. Avoid
3. Dishonor
4. Negative Beliefs”

Here is my take on this… when you find an argumentative person. he/she is likely a person has several core fear. So no matter what you say or don’t say they seem to take offense. Conversely, when you find a ‘kind’ easy to ‘get along with’ person, likely that person is secure and has few core fears. By understanding that you can only change one person… you… and understanding your core fears you are able to change both your reaction to others and control your ‘temper’.

Christian witnessing a no-no on campus
Charlie Butts – OneNewsNow – 12/29/2009 4:30:00 AM
Alliance Defense Fund (ADF) is appealing a decision to permit a bad speech policy to stand while a lawsuit against Georgia Southern University proceeds.
In March of last year, Benjamin Bloedorn visited the campus to distribute tracts and talk about his faith with students in a free-speech area of the school. ADF attorney Nate Kellum picks up the story.
“Some officers affiliated with Georgia Southern said basically he could either keep quiet, stop talking about Jesus, or be arrested — and while he was trying to confer with the officers about this, they just decided to arrest him,” Kellum explains.

According to the attorney, Bloedorn was also told he had to have permission from the university to exercise his constitutional right to free speech.

Later a trespassing charge was dropped, but Bloedorn was told not to return to the campus to share his faith. The federal court refused to grant a restraining order to prevent enforcement of the campus policies. Kellum expects that decision to be overturned.

“We don’t think the court of appeals will view it the same way — so…while the case is still ongoing, we appealed this decision about the constitutionality of the ordinance to the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals,” he says. “And we’re very hopeful the 11th Circuit will see it very differently.”

Numerous court rulings in similar cases would tend to back up that claim.

Jim and Patti send: How to Lock Your Car and Why: I locked my car. As I walked away I heard my car door unlock. I went back and locked my car again. Then as I walked away, again, I heard it unlock. Naturally alarmed, I looked around and there were two guys sitting in a car in the fire lane next to the store. They were obviously watching me intently, and there was no doubt they were somehow involved in this very weird situation. I quickly chucked the errand I was on, jumped in my car and sped away. I went straight to the police station, told them what had happened, and found out I was part of a new, and very successful, scheme being used to gain entry into cars… — there is a device that criminals are using now to clone your security code when you lock your doors on your car using your electronic key-chain locking device. They sit a distance away and watch for their next victim. They know you are going inside of the store, restaurant, or bathroom andthat they now have a few minutes to steal and run. The police officer said to manually lock your car door-by hitting the lock button inside the car — that way if there is someone sitting in a parking lot watching for their next victim, it will not be you. When you hit the lock button on your car upon exiting, it does not send the security code, but if you walk away and use the door lock on your key chain, it sends the code through the airwaves where it can be instantly stolen.

Blogger’s Corner
Lemonade from Jamestown Patti:Lemonade

This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where you could read it every day.
You may not realize it,
but it’s 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.

2.. At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don’t
like you.

5. Every night,
SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world
has turned its back on you
take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received..
Forget about the rude remarks.

Davenport Richard:
It’s what’s between the dashes that counts… double click or copy and paste…

http://www.the-dash-movie-poem.com/>

HEART ATTACK ~ THE NEW ASPIRIN

IMPORTANT READ…….

Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve under the tongue. They work
much faster than the tablets.

Why keep aspirin by your bedside?

About Heart Attacks

There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the pain on the
left arm.
One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well
as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur
less frequently.
Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack. The
majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their
sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake
you up from your deep sleep.

If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and
swallow them with a bit of water.

Afterwards:
- phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by
- say “heart attack!”
- say that you have taken 2 aspirins..
- take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for
their arrival and…
~ do NOT lie down ~

A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after receiving this
e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably one life can be saved!

I have already shared the information- – What about you?

Do forward this message; it may save lives!

Lighter side

Jamestownn patti

Subject: Celibacy

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife,
Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other..”

He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe
your wife’s favorite flower?’

Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and
whispered, ‘Gold Medal-All-Purpose,right?’

And thus began Walter’s life of celibacy………

Prayer
Answered Prayer: See Above, Baby Camdyn came through her first surgery with flying colors … thanks in no small part to your prayer!
Our Evan (David and Deanna) will undergo surgery for removal of his tonsils and adenoids tomorrow… please keep him in prayer.
Cousin Dick (Jamestown Patti’s brother) underwent a total of 36 prostate biopsies, the results are not in but the urologist felt they would be positive (likely malignant)… keep him in prayer.:
Brother Vince, heart and circulation issues bypass and stint surgery upcoming
Brother Mike, high blood pressure
Brother Tim surgery this week… hernia… did well and is recovering
Good friend Tom H stomach pain
Guy S surgery for sinus biopsy did well through surgery, no news on biopsy
Jimmy P. loss of finger in accident…
John H good friend, bladder cancer, had surgery, on chemo
Vinny (Jim and Pat’s cousin) undergoing chemo having burning issues on burning tongue

Cousins Pat and Jim for medical problems
Krisher family for loss of son John
Betty K broken hip
DK stress
Sue intestinal disease… healing and salvation
Please pray for our troops and especially those victims and their families frm Ft. Hood… surely the victims of Islamist Terrorism

Happy Birthday Marilyn

Jamestown Patti’s special family Steven’s Johnson Syn. little 7 yr. old girl and brother Dick (prostate)
DG gainful employment
Blogger Clint having problems with liver toxicity… may need transplant, please pray (see above).

Our nation, our President, our Congress, our courts… to put the people before their ideology
TD for special intention

From JAZ… Sending this message on to you because I know you to be prayer warriors. Kairos Torch for juveniles is very dear to my heart. This is a Christian outreach to troubled youth. Please pray that Kairos Torch will become reality in NY.
Close family friend Brenda… has been diagnosed with MS and has lost her job.
AE for strength to face his dilemma
TD gainful employment
Prayer for David S… wisdom in working with employee and former owner
Bless and pray for our service men and women as they seem to have fewer and fewer options as they deal with a mortal enemy.
Friend Gary W biopsy (prostate) … no update
Friend Jimmy W having back problems… no update

wdb prostate problems continue
Cousins Dan and Sharon (husband and wife): Dan has just received a pace maker and Sharon had both knees replacements. Both recovering nicely.
Continue to pray for missionary Bergman’s as they lost their wife and mother this past year
Maria – diabetes is critical. She had a skin and muscle biopsy and suspect small nerve neuropathy. Please continue to pray no change in her condition.
Clint: to find his son in Viet Nam and have the opportunity to present salvation to him. Clint is in hospital for esophageal bleeding, please keep him in prayer. Has liver toxicity (see above)
Pastor Neil S. (long time close friend and prayer partner) pray for God’s Will in his ministry. A possible opening in a local church…
Niece Rhonda is still weakened condition, but continues to work… continue to pray for strength and healing.
Brother Les is about the same, but he continues to have a Godly attitude. Yet the burden continues to be heavy on both he and Valarie. Please keep both Val and Les in prayer… such a faithful couple please keep them in prayer… Camdyn’s grandparents!
Transplants: Good Friend Keith – liver, Brother Pat – liver, Good Friend Jim – kidney … please keep praying for their well being; they all are doing well as of this printing

Sister Jane, Brenda, Cousins Janet, and Karen for strength… all are suffering from MS. Janet is now home from rehab. with cousin Tom caring for her.
Unity for our family
Brenda’s son medical condition- update-still seeking diagnosis
Tolerance, Christ’s Love, and Understanding for our families, friends, and enemies
Bonnie Erbie (author accusing Christians of being knuckle draggers), prayer for salvation.
Pray for wisdom and spiritual guidance in rearing children for our family as well as the renewal of the nuclear family; pray that marriage stays as one man, one woman, but rights are extended to same gender unions.
Pray for truth in education… i.e. AIDS, abortion, evolution, American History, an Made MGlobal Warming
Pray for our troops each evening at 9:00 pm. every night … pray that America wakes up to evil before it is too late
Pray for Nephews John and Ryan – Navy and grandson Scott a Marine.
Prayer for healthy and safe births to parents Tom and Kassilyn, Chris and Becky (second set of twins within two years… born on 12/26 Camdyn and Rylli), and Johnathan and Raylene second child.
Prayer partners John and Ron and family. For my dear friend Bill and Rita M’s family see above (Bill went home to the Lord in May; Rita in September)… pray for strength and blessings
Please continue to pray for health issues for five of our nieces and Marilyn.
Pastors: Dan, John, Tom, Lyell, Steve D, Ben, Estes, Gail, Sam, Whittikers, Neil, and Steve T for their ministries, ease of stress, and courage to spread the gospel; wisdom for all leadership at Yates, Greater Toledo 1st Baptist, Clermont First Baptist.

Billy Graham’s Prayer For Our Nation:
‘Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics.. We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free. Amen!’

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing
Dr B